midweek ahoy (cw medical diagnosis)

The thing about being diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma is that people love to tell me it's Not That Bad. This is both true, and meant to be reassuring. But it honestly isn't reassuring, because I really don't know how to process this whole thing. Even though it's not an aggressive type of skin cancer, and I'm having it removed soon, it's still skin cancer, and I'm only 32. It's a totally mind-boggling thing to have a very Adult Disease when there's so much about Being An Adult that I haven't done yet. I've never been in a romantic relationship with another person. I don't own a house. I can't cook to save my life. I haven't started a family/found family. I can't even define my own sexuality. And yet. And yet...

Even though it is true that this isn't really a big diagnosis in the sense that it will hugely alter my life or future plans, I still want sympathy. I still want people to bring me food or send me mail or take some burden off the chaos of living or just generally feel bad with me!

Anyway, I guess where I'm struggling here is trying to hit the emotional nail on the head somewhere between minimizing a cancer diagnosis and giving into my melodramatic tendencies. It certainly hasn't helped that the medical anxiety I'd tried to rationalize away was literally exactly what I was worried about!

I got the biopsy results just a few days before heading to Pittsburgh for a trip I'd been looking forward to for months, and I did my best not to let it hang over everything. On Sunday, I saw Ray Chen perform with the PGH Symphony, which was the main point of the trip. He played in Chicago in 2021, and I'd just had my car accident, so I couldn't attend that concert. When I saw that he was going to be even closer this year, I had to snatch a ticket.

( the sound of dreams coming true )

I did other things on my trip, too, even though I was plagued by anxiety and fatigue. The rental unit I'd booked turned out to be in a super convenient location that made driving in Pittsburgh (something I was afraid of) easier than I'd expected. I set up a networking meeting at Phipps and enjoyed seeing their beautiful bonsai and orchid exhibit. I spent Valentine's Day with my friend, and we hit up the History Center (I'm inexplicably obsessed with Heinz as a brand), got crepes for lunch, walked around some parks, then got dinner at a cute Korean restaurant downtown. I drove home today, but managed to walk around the Mexican War Streets and hit up the Mattress Factory before leaving. Proud of myself for Doing Stuff when all I wanted to do was sit in bed and feel bad.

I have work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to returning to the stress of this big event I'm planning. There are only 10 days left, and I'm honestly completely out of stamina. But I suppose I'll write more about that later.