hatpinvigilante | midweek ahoy (cw medical diagnosis) (Reply)

The thing about being diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma is that people love to tell me it's Not That Bad. This is both true, and meant to be reassuring. But it honestly isn't reassuring, because I really don't know how to process this whole thing. Even though it's not an aggressive type of skin cancer, and I'm having it removed soon, it's still skin cancer, and I'm only 32. It's a totally mind-boggling thing to have a very Adult Disease when there's so much about Being An Adult that I haven't done yet. I've never been in a romantic relationship with another person. I don't own a house. I can't cook to save my life. I haven't started a family/found family. I can't even define my own sexuality. And yet. And yet...

Even though it is true that this isn't really a big diagnosis in the sense that it will hugely alter my life or future plans, I still want sympathy. I still want people to bring me food or send me mail or take some burden off the chaos of living or just generally feel bad with me!

Anyway, I guess where I'm struggling here is trying to hit the emotional nail on the head somewhere between minimizing a cancer diagnosis and giving into my melodramatic tendencies. It certainly hasn't helped that the medical anxiety I'd tried to rationalize away was literally exactly what I was worried about!

I got the biopsy results just a few days before heading to Pittsburgh for a trip I'd been looking forward to for months, and I did my best not to let it hang over everything. On Sunday, I saw Ray Chen perform with the PGH Symphony, which was the main point of the trip. He played in Chicago in 2021, and I'd just had my car accident, so I couldn't attend that concert. When I saw that he was going to be even closer this year, I had to snatch a ticket.

I remember waffling so much on which seat to purchase, and then I ended up forgetting what I'd settled on. When I finally got my ticket from will call and presented it to the usher, she led me down to the perfect orchestra level seat. I was in the front-middle of the center section, on the right end of the row. If you're looking at the stage, the soloist typically stands to the left of the conductor, and what was even better was that the two or three seats in front of me hadn't shown up! Basically, I was able to stare directly at him as he performed the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto like a fucking rock star.

The Mendelssohn is unique because there's no orchestral introduction before the soloist starts, so Ray walked on stage to roar of applause, put his instrument up, and then immediately started playing. After following him so closely on social media and YouTube, it was honestly a little bewildering to drop so quickly into the music. I had been snapping some surreptitious photos of his entrance, and I had to throw my phone into my lap, it felt like it started so quickly. Mendelssohn is a sweet and happy piece, but his style of playing enhanced the quality. I can't even describe it. There's this warm, golden quality to his playing, but in a way that feels distinctly human. The way he bends and flows with the piece, the way his face lights up as his fingers dance, as though he, too, is delighted by all the trills and harmonics... I sat up in my seat, and I remember hearing a narration in the back of my mind: "Pay attention, Jen. This is exactly what you'd dreamed and more. This is the happiest you'll ever be."

When he came back out for his encore, he spoke a little about his budding relationship with the new Strad on loan to him. It was a nice follow up to the almost voyeuristic feeling I had watching him play the Mendelssohn. It was a little glimpse of the Ray online, who is gracious and charming and energetic and a little bit awkward. Ladies in novels are always feeling ~a warmth in their breasts~, and, y'all, I felt it. As the teenaged girls in the bathroom gushed after the concert: "I swooned." He played a Bach Andante for solo violin, and just filled the hall with such beauty I forgot everything else that was on my mind.

Of course, the rest of the program was excellent as well. Who doesn't like Holst's The Planets? I just... well, I was there for ~Reasons~ hahaha.

Ray Chen Playing Bach (the Allegro from the same Bach Sonata)
Ray Chen's Mendelssohn (2015)

I did other things on my trip, too, even though I was plagued by anxiety and fatigue. The rental unit I'd booked turned out to be in a super convenient location that made driving in Pittsburgh (something I was afraid of) easier than I'd expected. I set up a networking meeting at Phipps and enjoyed seeing their beautiful bonsai and orchid exhibit. I spent Valentine's Day with my friend, and we hit up the History Center (I'm inexplicably obsessed with Heinz as a brand), got crepes for lunch, walked around some parks, then got dinner at a cute Korean restaurant downtown. I drove home today, but managed to walk around the Mexican War Streets and hit up the Mattress Factory before leaving. Proud of myself for Doing Stuff when all I wanted to do was sit in bed and feel bad.

I have work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to returning to the stress of this big event I'm planning. There are only 10 days left, and I'm honestly completely out of stamina. But I suppose I'll write more about that later.