welcome to hell's outhouse

[hatpinvigilante]

In March 2022, I wrote in my journal that "nothing seems worth remembering," and it's true that I didn't do much remembering this year. Between buying a new car after my accident, catching Covid, Oliver's kidney diagnosis, the giant blackhole of summer camps, turning 32, moving offices (again), starting a new job (again), learning I'm laughably vitamin deficient, demoralizing results at work, and the rest of the misery soup I've been floating in, recording anything ~for posterity~ felt pretty pointless. In many ways, it still feels pointless, but I've done a bit of last-minute introspection to help me leave 2022 with a better sense of what the fuck happened, and I was surprised by what I realized.

With the help of The Gentle Tarot deck, I did a seven-card reading on the year past and the year to come. I was a bit skeptical at first, because it was the most positive spread I've ever drawn, and I had no idea how it was going to apply to my life. Turns out, things are A Little Bit Good, Maybe.

1. Sunset (overview of previous year): The Star This card seems to be all about finding home and safety after a big shake-up (following The Tower in the major arcana). I suppose you could call coming back to my career in the outdoors a homecoming of sorts. I'm not there yet, but if I'm being honest, I'm probably not as far as I sometimes feel/express. I think I've made great steps back to myself and my sense of place in the world. Two major indicators of this are taking on the adult programming role full time in August, attending First People Day at the nature center in November (my old event!), and going to the NAI conference last month even though I knew all my old co-workers would also be there. The words "you are home" and "you are safe" hit me harder than expected, and that's when I knew this reading would be a good one after all.

2. Horizon (what to expect ahead): The Sun I think it's meaningful the fading year was represented by a star that is only visible at night, and the year ahead will be represented by the sun, our morning star. This card is about blossoming and manifesting. I was fallow for a long, long time, but hopefully this is a sign that those dormant seeds are ready to sprout again. The more I come into myself and find all the ways I can shape this new role to my personal goals and dreams, the more positive my outlook will be. I keep telling people that even though this isn't the job I would have chosen for myself, there are a lot of positives and opportunities. The soil here is fertile.

3. Obstacles (where I may struggle): 8 of Stones "Doing what you love heals." This card is about practicing skills and creativity. I think the obstacle it's describing is probably related to the potential of The Sun in the previous card. The struggle will be in manifesting the work that brings me joy and excites me. Because it's no longer an explicit part of my life, I will need to carve out space for what nourishes me and defend that space well.

4. Strength (my inner power): 2 of Cups I have a strong sense of what nourishes me, and a strong connection to place. I've experienced this deep, transcendental connection before, and that is what I want to find again, however it may manifest this time. The fact that I have already experienced this unity, this reciprocity, will help me recognize it when it comes again.

5. Advice (learning from the past): Ace of Stones This card is just the beginning. In the past, when I have been fearless and said yes to things...this has been when I've made the biggest leaps towards fulfillment. Thinking of 2015-16 when I was in a different sort of career rut, when I made the choice to leave museums for the parks. So much growth happened that would have been impossible if I had stayed where I was. Am I back at the beginning of that cycle? I can make the right choice again.

6. Navigation (where to lay down a path): 4 of Wands This card is about emergence. The path ahead will be strengthened by self-love (ugh). I should work to get into the habit of acknowledging victories without diminishing them. I need to take notes of what feels good so I can walk towards that rather than stagnating in what I already know hurts. (Picturing building a plank boardwalk over a muddy path - which is good trail management practice.) If I am confident in who I am, my good qualities will speak for themselves.

7. Clarity (theme for the New Year): 3 of Cups The theme of 2023, if I can manifest it, will be community & connection. There will be joy, play, and enthusiasm, and it will be shared. I'll find support and wisdom if I can rely on what I know and be brave about what I don't. I can have a good year if I can open myself up to it!

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One thing that brought me marked levels of joy and frustration this past year (as opposed to general flat malaise) was the reading goal I set for myself. I went in with the idea to try to read 52 books this year, knowing that I almost certainly would not achieve it. I wanted to see how close I could get, and it turns out, I read a lot of books and only liked a few of them. Which is a useful reminder for next year's goal that quality over quantity often holds true.

I'm posting the list, organized by how much I enjoyed the books, but without much commentary. Partly because (see above) I can barely remember anything that happened this year. Partly because it feels unnecessary. If you want to hear more or talk about any of these, feel free to ask!

BOOKS I ADORED

Agatha of Little Neon by Claire Luchette

Ghosts of the Tsunami by Richard Lloyd Perry - cw: lots of death; I cried so hard

Tian Guan Ci Fu (vol 2 - 5) by MXTX (trans. Suika) - enjoyed despite the rougher parts of translation; difficult to keep track of plot/characters with down time between volumes

The Likeness by Tana French

The Binding by Bridget Collins - surprising lack of actual book arts

Queen of Attolia by Megan Whalen Turner (reread) - met the author in 2022; dream fulfilled <3

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata (reread)

Hold Still by Nina LaCour - amazing descriptions of grief over the loss of a highschool friend; cw: suicide

Thirty-Two Words for Field by Manchan Magan

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

Jing Wei Qing Shang by Please Don't Laugh (trans. melts)

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Otessa Moshfegh

Emergent Strategy by adrienee maree brown

BOOKS I LIKED

Mo Dao Zu Shi (vol 1 - 3) by MXTX (trans. Suika & Lianyin)

Man Tiger by Eka Karniawan

A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. LeGuin

Entangled Life by Merlin Sheldrake

Exhilation by Ted Chiang

Der Richter und Sein Henker von Friedrich Durrenmatt - (re)read auf Deutsch

Even Though I Knew The End by C.L. Polk

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones (cw: gore!!!)

BOOKS I'M NOT SURE ABOUT

Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer - enjoyed the concept, probably wasn't in the right mood when reading it

Islands of Abandonment by Cal Flyn - worked well when it worked, slogged when it didn't

Nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro - his writing is either my favorite thing ever or like watching paint dry, and this is the first time something has been fine. I still think of these stories, but they weren't that entertaining.

Flood of Fire by Amitav Ghosh - happy to have finished this trilogy finally. Sea of Poppies remains one of my favorite books, but this felt too forced and honestly a little boring

Queer Ducks by Eliot Schrefer - fine, just don't think I was in the nonfiction brain this year

BOOKS I HATED

In the Woods by Tana French - this was probably the fault of the audiobook reader.

The Orchid Thief by Susan Orlean

Bluets by Maggie Nelson - too horny for me, couldn't relate

The Crying Book by Heather Christie - really wanted to like this one, but it didn't meet my expectations

A Psalm for the Wild Built by Becky Chambers - my friends all loved it, it was too sweet and optimistic for me

Mushroom Magick by Shawn Engel - this book was a mistake, but the illustrations were top-notch

All About Love by bell hooks - surprised to hate this, but it felt preachy and too religious

The Great Glorious Goddamn of It All by Josh Ritter - loved Bright's Passage but hated this one, some parts okay

A Thousand Ways to Pay Attention by Rebecca Schiller - hated almost every minute of this

Recollections of my Nonexistence by Rebecca Solnit - banger title; boring, toothless content

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Anyway, thanks for bearing with me! That's a wrap on 2022~